My beautiful fish died today. We called him "Big Orangey" because he was big, and well, orange. He was an African Cichlid and I got him six years ago. I am pondering my feelings of loss and grief and suddenly realized that perhaps one of the reasons for my feelings is that my life was in a tumultuous state six years ago and this fish was with me through all of it. I have had fish since I was about 12 years old. I enjoy seeing them in the tank and watching them, but I have not ever become attached to one like this. What made him so amazing was his vibrant colors as well as his personality. Personality? I cannot believe I'm even writing this, but its true. Yes, personality! For those who keep fish, you know what I mean, for those who don't well...get some fish and you'll see what I'm talking about. Big Orangey was curious, coming right up to the glass to see what was going on and bullying his way to the top when it was feeding time. His blue-green eyes noticed everything, and the way he swam it was as if he knew that he was the prettiest African Cichlid ever.
Six years ago was difficult for me because I was separated from my wife at the time, taking care of two girls full time, and working as well as being a full time student in a PhD program where I was studying Clinical Counseling. I had a lot of support from family and friends who helped me, but nothing could truly heal the pain from the loss that I was feeling. So I got this giant fish tank and tried keeping a type of fish that I had always admired but had never kept: African Cichlids. Big Orangey was a "little Orangey" at the time, and was one of about 4 that I got at that time. As I arranged the tank and learned a little more about the fish I had bought, I began to experience some healing. This little fish "world" that I was taking care of helped give me a reason to keep going and I found joy each evening as I sat and watched the fish. Big "O" began to grow bigger than everybody else and his colors became very vibrant, he amused me the way he carried himself. He had a pompous swagger even as a little guy. During the course of my PhD program, my fish gave me much mental relaxation as I would take study and writing breaks and watch them swim around. But my eyes always rested on Big "O", casually swimming around and showing off for me. Through a divorce, custody battle, my mother's death from a 3 year battle with cancer, and my remarriage to the most amazing woman on the planet, Big Orangey was with me through it all.
Fastforward to now. I am done with my PhD program, in fact in the last few months I defended my dissertation, got my diploma, and my published dissertation. In the past week I noticed that Big "O" was not eating and had become a little lethargic. I knew that the average life span for African Cichlids was about 4-10 years, but I never thought he would die. Sure, he might slow down a bit, but die? No way! Yesterday, he looked pretty bad. Laying on the bottom with a white film over him, I had done water changes, applied medicine...everything that I could think of. I feel I need to mention that my graduation robe came yesterday and it was the last part of what I was waiting on for my PhD journey to be fully complete. Today I came home for lunch and he was upside down on the bottom, still as beautiful as ever, the white film was even gone. But dead. Gone. Fish heaven got a beautiful addition today. (I absolutely refuse to believe that God would spend so much time making such gorgeous creatures in our seas and then not have a place for them after they die. But that is a topic for another time.)
So, in closing, I feel that Big Orangey saw me through my darkest time, and knowing that I was done and in a good place, released himself back to the great fish spirit world. His mission accomplished, he died in peace. I put him in a Zip-lock bag and placed him in the freezer. My wife and my girls and I will probably have a little ceremony this weekend to honor this amazing fish that I became attached to. It is always amazing to me how connections that lead to hope and perseverance occur in the most unlikely of place and between the most unlikely of species.
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